Bonn

Today, my dad told me about how my mother had a bad dream last night and began to scream "Don't take me, take my children!" FML
Today, I was out walking my dog. A cute woman says "nice dog" and without thinking I respond, "you too." FML
Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend and sent her an Edible Arrangement. When she called to tell me she had gotten it, she was more excited about the cute boy who delivered it than she was about the fruit boquet. FML
Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a mars bar. I said that would be great and she proceeded to throw one at me, catching me off guard. The mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML
Today, I was walking around my house without a shirt on after my shower. I picked up my cat and walked around the corner. Just as my dad turned on the vacuum. Now I have 6 rather deep bloody holes in my shoulder and chest. FML
Today, my friend and I decided to wear a new red lipstick. The guy I like turned around, looked at her and said, "Red is a really interesting, sexy color. Pretty bold. Not bad." and he smiled. I waited, smiling also, only for him frown and say, "Your teeth are REALLY yellow." FML
Today, I decided to finally use the gym membership I got a few weeks ago. After I returned to the locker room, the locker I used was opened with all my stuff, including my I-Touch, cell phone, and my wallet with cash stolen. It turns out I left the sticker that tells you your combo on my new lock. FML
Today, I spent two hours making dinner for my boyfriend's family. When I brought it over to their house they said "thanks" and didn't bother to invite me to stay to eat it. FML
Today, I decided to go tanning. I went outside and took my top off and laid out in the sun for about an hour. When I was about to go inside a phone rang. It belonged to one of the five men that were working on my roof and watching me the entire time. FML
Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a fear I'll drown and I'm totally afraid of swimming anyway and never get anywhere near water. My instructor? A high school classmate of mine. My fellow swimming classmates? 5 and 6 year old kids. FML
Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML
Today, I went to my girlfriend's Catholic all girls high school to ask her to prom by decorating her car. As soon as I walked on campus the school went into lock down because of a "suspicious male intruder." When I saw my girlfriend, she denied knowing me. I was arrested. FML

Bonn

Today, I spent two hours inside a bar talking about how I never worry about my boyfriend cheating on me when he travels for work. Everyone told me I was lucky to have such a great relationship. When we all decided to go out on the patio for a smoke, we saw him making out with someone else. FML

Today, I awoke to find a water pipe burst. I frantically ran down to the basement to turn off the water to the house. What I didn't expect when I reached the bottom of the stairs was to have to start dodging the falling, wet ceiling tiles. FML

Today, I woke up in bed next to my girlfriend. She whispered that she wanted me to go down on her. Excited, I duck under the covers and start moving down her body. When I got in position she held my head still with her thighs and farted. FML

Today, I proposed to a girl I'd been in love with for 6 years. I filled the balcony of the building where I'd first laid eyes on her with innumerable roses and, under the starlit sky, I did it. She later posted on facebook 'OMG. This geek I knew from high school did the FUNNIEST thing today'. FML

Today, I woke up in a daze after a long night drinking. I felt a subtle nudge on my shoulder. I was at my ex-girlfriends house, passed out on top of her, with no pants on. Her dad was, in so many words, informing me that I had to leave immediately. FML

Today, while riding on the car with my family, I put on my headphones and pretended to be listening to music and when my parents talked to me, I pretended I couldn't hear them. They took this opportunity to discuss how fat I was and how I can't hold down a boyfriend. They were laughing as well. FML

Today, I was at a family function. We were all sitting on the couch and I ended up falling asleep. I was woken up by my cousin, who threw a glass full of water at me. Everyone looked at me horrified. Turns out I m@sturb@te in my sleep. FML

Today, I was walking to my mailbox and I fell down and couldn't get up. My neighbor walked by with his dog, took one look at me struggling, said "What is wrong with kids these days, drunk at 9am" and continued on. I couldn't get up because I am still healing from a stress fracture in my hip. FML

Today, I had my first kiss at a party. Later, I was told that the guy had been dared to kiss the ugliest girl in the room. FML

Today, my building's elevators were temporarily out of service. I climbed up 17 flights of stairs only to realize I left my keys downstairs. After the painful climb back up, the elevator lights came on. FML

Today, my friend posted my picture on Craigslist under the "men seeking men" section. I got 16 replies with 2 hours. He then decided to post another picture of me under "men seeking women" to compare results. The only reply I got was from a man. FML

Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML

Today, while deleting my ex-fiance's account off my computer, I saved her pics. I found one of her with her now boyfriend in our bedroom. FML
Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend that I couldn't believe this happened he said, "I'm not going to lie, I didn't always pull out fast." FML
Today, while eating a subway sandwich, I was watching a comedian on TV. As he said his signature line, I laughed hysterically and accidentally snorted a jalapeno into my nose. I spent the next 5 minutes trying to snort out the little piece that got lodged into my nostril. FML
Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML
Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML
Today, a couple came into the gas station where I work to ask for directions. While I was giving the woman directions (and even writing them down to be as helpful as possible), the man stole my wallet out of my purse that was sitting on the other end of the counter behind a display. FML
Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML
Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML
Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I had been in Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her new boyfriend already spent most of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a new car and a trip to Las Vegas. FML
My Life Is Average (MLIA):
Today, I was walking down the pier and there was a kid walking at the same pace next to me. I tried to slow down so it wasn't awkward, but he slowed down right when I did. It was awkward. MLIA.
Today I was outside with my dog when he began to bark. Within a few moments, 3 other dogs from surrounding yards joined in. I wanted to be in the loop so I decided to bark too. All the dogs stopped, and my dog walked away. I apologized for embarresing him in front of his friends. MLIA
Today, I went to lunch with my brother. When he went to the restroom I ate some of his fries. I moved the rest around so he wouldn't notice. When he got back he offered me some.I felt guilty, but took some anyways. MLIA
Today I was driving my grey nissan quest down the highway, the car behind me was an orange nissan quest and the car behind that was another grey nissan quest I smiled at myself for 10 minutes because I thought the three of us looked like a cheese sandwhich. MLIA
Today, I convinced a stranger that we didn't have bagels in Canada. They believed me. I told them, that you learn something new everyday. I lied. MLIA
Today, I was going to say hi to my dad, but he was doing the dishes, and I knew he would ask me to help him. I slowly backed away and escaped the unwanted situation. MLIA.
Today I searched for my name on facebook. There was only one other person with my name, and I had more friends than him. I felt better than him. MLIA
Today, I was playing a little kid version of trivial pursuit with my friend and I didn't remember the answer to one of the questions. I just laughed about how stupid the question was until I could think of the answer. I think she bought it. MLIA
Today, a friend told me my blog was hilarious and he always looked forward to reading it. I'm worried one day he'll stop finding it funny and I'll let him down. I haven't been able to think of a single thing to write about since. MLIA.
Today, I thought I saw my friend across the parking lot so I called her name. It wasn't her. I pretended that it was in case anyone was watching. MLIA
Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to a girl on my soccer team. She accepted. Later at practice I felt like I had to say Hi to her because we're now Facebook friends. MLIA
Today I discovered that my new Lucky brand jeans say "lucky you" when you open the zipper. Highly amused, I shared my discovery with my mom. She did not share my enthusiasm. MLIA
Today, someone flashed their headlights at me to warn of a speed trap. I warned three others, I felt like a good community member. MLIA
Today, I wrote hello on the notepad in my hotel before leaving my room. when I came back the house keeper had written hello back. I felt like she wanted to be friends. MLIA
Today, I went out of my way to step on a leaf that looked really crunchy. I stepped on it and it did not crunch. I was disappointed. MLIA

Bonn

Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom I leaned to the side to wipe my butt and heard a crack. Not knowing what it was i continued to wipe. After i finished I got up to see that I'd cracked the toilet seat in half. FML

Today, I asked a buddy of mine if he wanted to see a movie. He said he was busy that day, so I decided to go alone. Midway through, the couple behind me is making out and kicking my seat. I turn around, and it's my ex-girlfriend making out with my buddy. FML.

Today, I got excited when my cell phone lit up because I hadn't received a single phone call all day. Turns out it was the "low battery" indicator. FML

Today, my laptop plug got stuck in the wall outlet. I stood there for 10 minutes violently trying to yank it out. My boss came in and screamed at me for making noise. I was angry, so I glared at him and yanked on the plug as hard as I could. It dislodged itself noiselessly and I fell over. FML

Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML

Today, after buying dinner from the supermarket, I had the change in my hand, and my wallet. In the parking lot, a quarter fell out of my hand, and right next to the street drain. As I went to pick it up, my wallet fell down the drain. FML

Today, my cousin told me that the stop signs outlined with a white line were optional. Later, a cop pulled me over, when I asked why he said, "You ran that stop sign back there." I explained what my cousin had told me and he looked at me funny and replied, "All stop signs have a white outline." FML

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

Today, my 14 year old sister deleted my entire iTunes library, which had every song by The Doors, The Beatles, The Grateful Dead and the Rolling Stones, because she thought my music was "weird." She replaced it with Britney Spears, Panic at the Disco and the Jonas Brothers. FML
My Life Is Average (MLIA):
Today, I first heard about 'mylifeisg.com'. I thought it would be people talking about all the gangsta things they'd done that day. I was let down. MLIA.
Last night I was feeling adventurous so I slept in my bed backwards. It was a smashing success. MLIA

Today, I decided to eat healthy so I had a bowl of fruit and water. To reward myself, I ate a cookie and had a soda. MLIA.

Today I was working on my laptop when I noticed that my battery power was at 4%. Instead of plugging it in, I raced to get my work done before it died. I won and felt like a winner.
Today, I was watching TV when an infomercial came on. I decided to change the channel, and the exact same infomercial was on that channel too, but about 3 seconds behind. I proceeded to flip back and forth between the two making the guy repeat what he said over and over. I was thoroughly amused. MLIA

Today, my dad and I were making fun of the cheesy commercials that came on between the show we were watching. Then an ad for Trojan Ultra-Thin condoms came on, and we grew silent. Then the next ad came on, and we acted like nothing happened. MLIA.

Today, my dog walked into our screen door when it was closed and I laughed at him. A few hours later, I did the same thing. I looked around to make sure he didn't see. He didn't.

Today I pointed at a leaf in my yard and said wingardium leviosa. Then the wind blew the leaf. I felt like wizard and thought about how my parents would take the news. MLIA.

Today, I was listening to Hannah Montana on my iPod on the bus. The guy next to me saw and I heard him whisper to his friend, "That guy's listening to Hannah Montana." I changed it to something cool and his friend replied, "No, he isn't." I felt smug. MLIA

Today I opened a candy bar on the opposite end of the "tear here" notch. I felt rebellious. MLIA

Bonn

Today, I had a basketball game against our rivals. Since the starting guard had a broken ankle, I felt happy that I could finally get playing time and prove that I'm good. Instead I had to run the scoreboard for the game, because the scoreboard guy was absent. FML

Today, I went into work to change a shift I was unable to work. I phone the first person on the employee sheet and they promptly answer by saying "You still work here? I thought the manager fired you..." I was fired last week and have been showing up for shifts without anybody noticing. FML

Today, my nine year old son went around telling everyone that me and my husband had a "foursome" last month. It turns out that some d-bag counselor at the camp he goes to thought it would be funny to tell him that a foursome was a divorce. All of his friend's parents think we're kinky freaks. FML

Today, I found out that my wife had been debating leaving me for an old boyfriend from high school. They rekindled their relationship on Facebook, and talking on the cell phone. Both things I insisted she have. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I'd just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she's been cheating on me with. FML

Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML

Today, my crush took me out to lunch. When the waiter came for our orders he ordered onion rings and looks at me and says, "I won't be kissing anyone tonight anyways." FML

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

Today, my boyfriend picked me up to come spend the night at his house, and on the way he started pulling over to get some condoms. I told him no need, I was on my period. He turned the car around and took me home. FML

Bonn

FML:
Today, I met with my realtor to close on a house for my boyfriend and me. While waiting for my boyfriend, I got a text message from him saying he was breaking up with me. I had already signed the papers on our house. Now I'm responsible for a mortgage that I can only afford with his help. FML

Today, through AIM, I told my ex boyfriend that I still have really deep feelings for him. The message I sent him was really long and took me almost an hour to write. His response? "Dun dun dunnn, the plot thickens!" Then he signed off. FML

Today, my boss fired me because arriving at 8 and leaving at 9 is unacceptable and I should work at least 8 hours a day. For the past week I have been working 13 hours a day to finish a project. I got fired because my boss does not know the difference between am and pm. FML

Today, during my shift at the restaurant, my boss's daugher came in. I could not help but notice she was almost popping out of her low-cut top. After having a private chat with her mother, my boss took me aside and said "my daugher's got eyes, you know, not just a pair of t*ts". FML

Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We're highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I've been seeing someone else for 2 years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML

Today, I was in my car and a cute guy pulled up next to me. He looked at me and smiled, but in order to be cool, I pretended not to notice. I also pretended that I was listening to music and was completely absorbed in it, singing passionately. I wasn't even listening to music and my window was down. FML

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML

Today, I hit a horrible tee shot from the 18th hole. I decided to use my driver
to take my frustration out on a nearby bush. The bees who lived in that bush decided to use their stingers to take out their frustration up inside my golf shorts. FML

Today, I saw a spot on my computer screen. I tried to use my finger to rub it off. Then, I tried using my nail. Then I tried to windex it off. I continued scratching at it with my nail. A half hour and one scratched screen later, I realized the spot was part of the webpage I was looking at. FML
My Life Is Average (MLIA):
Today, I walked in on my cat when he was pooping in his litterbox. He glared at me, and I walked out. Later, I apologized, and he started purring. I was glad he accepted my apology. MLIA

Today, another car pulled up beside me at a red light, I decided we would race. He wasn't aware of the race. I won. MLIA

Today I was standing next to an gumball dispenser, but I didn’t have any quarters so all I could do was turn the crank back and forth. All of a sudden a free gumball fell out. It made my day. MLIA.

Today I was driving and I knew the person in the car behind me, I put on my sunglasses so I wouldn't make eye contact with them while looking in my rear view mirror, it worked. MLIA.

Today I yelled at my sister for eating six cookies when I hadn’t had any yet. She left. I had eight. MLIA.

Today, I noticed that there was 1 song on my iTunes that had 0 play counts. I played it once so that the song didn't feel left out and had at least been played once. MLIA

Today, I did my laundry. When I opened the dryer a bunch of loose change that had been in my pockets fell out in front of me. I felt like I had won a prize. MLIA

Today, I sneezed and my cat gave a little meow right after. Then I sneezed again and he did the same thing. I felt that he was saying "bless you", so I said "thank you". I think our bond is stronger now. MLIA

Today, I went to Starbucks to order a coffee but the kind I wanted was to hard to pronounce so I ordered something that was much easier to say. MLIA

Today, I was solving a word search and I found a spare word hidden within it. I circled it, added it to the list, and crossed it out. I felt I was better than the word search company. MLIA.
MY LIFE IS AWESOME -
I stumbled upon this last night.
Today I realized that I really want to skydive this weekend, but I have to model instead. FMLIA

Today, I made my exboyfriend cry. FMLIA

Today I realized I'm an engineer, I'm in a frat, I have a sweet fro, awesome mirror aviator sunglasses I wear all the time, and a hot girlfriend. FMLIA

Today I was having s3x with my girlfriend in the living room on the family couch, reverse cowboy. My dad walked in and saw everything, then gave me a high five. FMLIA

Bonn

Today, my co-worker came over to my desk and told me that I should protect my Twitter updates, because I had unknowingly made them public. My tweets include drinking stories, all the men I've hooked up with, various cuss words, sexual innuendos, and how much I hate my co-workers. FML

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did.’ I even stayed with them at times so they wouldn't get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

Today, I spent 3 hours looking at a you tube video for how to do Rubik's cube. Even after being told how to do it, I couldn't finish it. I scroll down at the comments and read "Awesome! I'm 10 and can do it in 3 minutes now!". I'm 28 and still couldn't get it, even with a guide. FML

Today, I saw a major accident then stopped to help the drivers. I was on my way to a rest stop to use the bathroom so as we were waiting for police I went into the woods and I come out to the police arresting me for public urination. One of the drivers said I was "using the woods for a bathroom." FML

Today, I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia that is part of the my exchange group in Holland. After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. We were about to have s3x when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. FML

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and left a note that said "lease stop singing in the shower. You're terrible, and everyone in the building can hear you." FML

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for me and my girlfriend. I was trying that move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and the girl both slurp the same piece of spaghetti and end up kissing. Only when I tried it, my spaghetti went down too far in my throat and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

Today, I gave the option to my boyfriend of 5 years to either quit World of Warcraft of lose me. He said WOW makes him happier. FML

Today, my sister got her car repossessed. In order to get it back, my mom took $4,000.00 out of my bank account promising she would pay it back within a few months. She lost her job. FML

Today, I was skating with my friends and I decided to go to the gas station to get a pack of cigs. The last thing I remember hearing was "Look out!" I am now with twenty stitches because some idiot bet he could throw a brick farther than another guy. FML

Today, I came home and found out that my new roommate, who smokes half a pack of cigarettes a day and drinks heavily 5 nights a week, had smashed my $300 bong because "weed is a horrible and deadly drug that will kill you slowly." FML
My Life Is Average (MLIA):
Today, I was buying medicine for my mom at a drugstore. On an aisle full of natural vitamins, I saw a supplement called Horny Goat Weed. I giggled. MLIA


Today, while stopped at a red light, I inched forward just to see if the car behind me would do the same. He did. MLIA.

Today, I had a staring contest with a little girl while sitting in traffic. She sneezed. I won. MLIA.


Today, I was jamming to some music while driving with my friend. I didn't know the words to one part of the song so I casually took a drink of my bottled water whenever the part came on. MLIA


Today I ordered a pizza. The delivery man told me "Enjoy your pizza"; I replied with "You too". We both pretended not to notice. MLIA.


Today, I purposely transferred $14.28 from my Savings to my Checking account so that my Savings would total exactly $5432.10. It made me smile. MLIA


Today I decided to walk from my bedroom to the living room with my eyes closed, to see if I could get there without bumping into anything. I succeeded. MLIA

Today I arranged a whole load of candy on my desk in little piles. I told myself that for every paragraph of my assignment I wrote, I could eat a pile of candy. A couple of minutes later I'd written nothing but eaten all the candy. MLIA

Today I threw an empty bottle into the recycling bin about 10 feet away and made it. I wished more people were there to see it happen. MLIA.


Today I stuck a piece of gum under the bleachers. I never done it before. I felt like a total badass. MLIA


Today I was walking down the street and the wind was blowing my hair back from my face. I felt like a model. MLIA

Today, I heard that if you lick somebody's elbow without them seeing you, they can't feel it. I tried to lick somebody's elbow secretly. They saw me. It was awkward. I still don't know if they would have been able to feel it if they hadn't seen me. MLIA.

Today, I was talking to myself in my house. The mail man saw me and gave me a funny look. I then pointed to the other side of me head to make it seem like I was wearing a Bluetooth. MLIA

Bonn

Today, I found one of those online color blindness tests where you have to distinguish a colored number from the pattern. Not being able to, I spent hundreds of dollars on medical tests to discover that the pattern online was a joke. FML

Today, I got a call from my parents that they have decided to get a divorce. My brothers and I just shelled out $5,000 each and spent months planning their 50th Anniversary party that was supposed to be next month. FML

Today, I was mugged while walking down an unfriendly part of town. I was then arrested by a cop who happened to be coming around the corner, and saw me tackle the man to the ground. The mugger slipped the wallet back into my jacket and claimed I had assaulted him. My wallet was 300$ lighter. FML

Today, I was fired from my volunteer job. Why? Because they said I was working so hard and doing such a good job that I was making the real staff look bad. FML

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

Today, my dad told me he knew exactly where to poke me in the stomach to make me have instant diarrhea. I joked and said I didn't believe him. I am now stuck cleaning sh!t out of my favorite jeans. FML

Today, was my wedding day. Right before I walked down the aisle in my gorgeous white dress the woman who did my makeup saw a blemish. She went to squirt concealer on her finger and squirted the orange concealer all over my dress. FML

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wants to become a lesbian. I also learned that she's coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sister is her date. FML

Today, my little brother learned that breaking a glow stick and emptying it into someone's eyes does not help them see in the dark. It's a good lesson, I just wish he hadn't used my eyes to learn it. The doctor says the burning feeling should go away in 3 or 4 days. FML

Today, I met a great girl at a party. We talked alone, and she made me promise I'd dance with her later. When I saw her later, she was unconscious, and in an ambulance. She'd collapsed, and the entire party assumed I'd spiked her drink. FML

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to disappoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower off my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML
Today, while working as a cashier, I was ringing up an elderly woman's massaging shower head, when she said, "If I had a man like you, I wouldn't need this." She then gave me her number. FML

Today, I found out why my girlfriend of 8 months has never agreed to stay the night before. Now I have a 4-month old mattress that needs replacing, and a 23-year-old bed wetter for a girlfriend. FML

My Life Is Average (MLIA):
Today my dentist asked me if I floss. I haven't flossed in years but I told him I do every day. He told me he could tell. MLIA


Today, a Billy Mays commercial came on. I felt guilty changing the channel, so I watched the whole thing. I felt as if I had paid my respects to him. MLIA


Today, while hanging out with some friends, I made a witty observation. Everyone laughed. Later that day while around different people, I told the same joke as if I had never said it before, and got a similar reaction. MLIA.


Today, I took a quiz on facebook on whether or not Megan Fox would date me. Even though I'm a girl and I'm straight, I felt quite satisfied to find out that she might date me. MLIA


Today I played basketball with a kid on my street I don’t like that much. He complimented on how well I played. I like him more now. MLIA


Today, I needed to walk across a one way street. I still looked both ways out of habit. MLIA


Today I put on a pair of shorts that I haven't worn in a long time. I put my hand in my pocket and found a five dollar bill. I felt as if myself from the past wanted to give a gift to myself in the future. I was satisfied with the gift. MLIA.


Today, I heard a knock at the door. I looked out the window and saw a FedEx truck parked outside the house. I decided to wait until the delivery man was gone to get the package so I wouldn't have to interact with him. MLIA


Today, I was sad about Michael Jackson's death. So I looked up all his songs and downloaded them illegally, but I didn't feel bad cause he doesn't need the money anymore. MLIA.


Today, I sneezed while I was alone. I blessed myself. Then I thanked myself. MLIA.


Today, my parents weren't home so I decided to blast my music, since they always tell me to turn it down. After about 5 minutes, I lowered the volume because it was too loud. MLIA


Today, When I drove under a tree, one of the branches scraped the top of my car. As a reflex, I ducked even though there was no possibility that the tree could hit me. MLIA


Today, in the shower there was a hair on the wall. I didn't want to touch it so I got puddles of water and threw it at it in hope it would fall. It didn't. I then aimed the shower head at it. It fell. MLIA


Today, I wanted to make bubbles, but was too lazy to blow them. I put the bubble wand in front of a fan. It worked and I was amused. MLIA.


Today, a cute guy sat next to me on the bus. I changed the music on my iPod to something more intelligent in case he looked to see what I was listening to. He didn't. MLIA

Bonn

Today, I texted my friend. Apparently, he had gotten his cell number changed since the last time we talked. I ended up trying to make a 13 year old boy recall the time we hooked up in Cancun. FML

Today, I visited a former coworker. Outside his place, an elderly neighbor complained she tripped over some bikes. I moved them and joked, "At least you didn't break your hip." Forty minutes later, an ambulance was at the apartments. The lady had tripped over the bikes again, breaking her hip. FML

Today, I was chatting with an amazing guy online. He was perfect for me. After five hours he told me he loved me and I said it back. So than we decided to trade nudes. I sent mine. Within two seconds my niece calls, laughing her ass off, telling me how weird my birthmark is. FML

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarrassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

Today, I found some Nesquick Chocolate Milk mix in my pantry which sounded good. While making a glass, I got angry because not all of the mix would dissolve. Frustrated, I downed the drink. When I finished I looked in the glass and realized the mix that wouldn't dissolve was actually tiny ants. FML

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML

Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML
Today, I went to my fiancé's house to have dinner with his family for the first time. Trying to be polite at the end of the meal I went to take the plates in to the kitchen. I overestimated how heavy the half-finished soup pot was, and threw soup all over myself and future mother-in-law. FML

Today my husband's rich aunt and uncle came in town and handed us an envelope and said we hope this helps out with the student loans. Inside the envelope was just an article on new student loan procedures and how to get lower payments. FML

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

Today, I went to the doctor. I told her I felt down all the time. She asked me a few questions and she told me I was depressed. She suggested to go home and find the sources of my depression. When I told my parents, they started laughing and said "Yeah, right." I think I found my source. FML

Today, my sister just had a huge fight with my mom. After that, she thought it was appropriate to smash my $1,000 guitar to "blow off some steam." FML

Today, was my first day working for a real estate company. Just as I sat in my car my pants ripped hugely from my crotch all the way to the top of my pants and three inches wide. I was wearing a thong and we were on our way to show him an open house. FML

Bonn

Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML

Today, I went to the doctor for a sports physical. I've had a giant, dark birthmark on my left rib cage that I've hated most of my life. Recently I've learned to embrace it and show it off by wearing bikinis. My doctor saw it today and told me it's a fungus that's been spreading on my side all my life. FML

Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my s3xually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML

Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML

Today, I took a bike ride to enjoy the weather and stopped for a break on the sidewalk of an overpass, taking in the view of the beautiful hills. I was approached by a cop, who said to me: "Ma'am, I know your life is crap right now, but I'm sure it'll get better. Please don't jump." FML

Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML

Today, it was boiling hot so my boyfriend and I decided to sunbathe in the garden and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. Not only is my back so burnt that I can't lie down, I also have a white hand print on my upper back where my boyfriend had left his arm while we slept. FML

Today, I was home alone in the shower when in the opening of the curtain, I could see a man in a ski mask. I passed out, hit my head on the tub. I then found out it was my dad pulling a prank on me. I almost died cause my dad wanted to see me scream like a girl. FML

Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML

Today, I wrote a long wall post on my teachers wall on facebook including how much of a douche I thought she was, I wasn't planning on posting it but did on accident, so I quickly deleted it. I felt pretty clever. Did you know facebook sends you emails including what was written on the post? FML

Today, I got an email from a guy to whom I sold my old phone to over eBay. Turns out I forgot to delete the nude photos of myself and my boyfriend that I had stored up. His email asked me for "any PIN numbers needed to use the phone, and oh by the way, nice tits." FML

Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened windows explorer repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML

Today, I learned that shaving my unibrow while drunk/high was a terrible idea. I also learned that one brow looks better than no brow. FML

capitalist

Post by 看不懂;2285211
FML，a comment? What does it stand for?

FML=fcuk my life