xhu

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xhu

在贴一篇，写了关于我的病史，建立于真实故事上的，

Departments
Sha Yan

Two departments, one is imminently glorious, yes another, is not that glorious, stands exclusively for knowledge.

I sipped my coffee I just got a while ago from the coffee shop, and I then entered the classroom. Putting the coffee on the desktop, where I can easily reach it, I opened my notebook, and started to engage for the class to start.

This was in the Physics department. The department is a small building, newly built, and its gray concrete walls are standing there, rigid. It is a short building, four floors tall. The main floor houses administration and classrooms, also it hosts a teacher’s lounge. Yes, in a while, class was about to start. And the professor was going to introduce new theories and new concepts to students.

I was among the top students in the CEGEP. Yes, I entered the university for its Electrical Engineering program. It was not my first time in an university, back in China, I had one year of university agricultural education. Then I came to Canada, and after adapted my English skills, I had a two year CEGEP education in general science. Then I entered the Electrical Engineering Department for my studies to become an engineer.

Even my first year engineering education had problems. I had such difficulty in my learning in my second term. I had glitch in my brain when I was studying and listening to lectures, and I has such problems in the lab as I can not do it very fast. I had problems concentrating in the classroom. I simply freaked and stressed in the exams, and my problems forced me to withdraw my second term electrical engineering classes early. Yes, they assessed me tuition fee after I withdrew from my classes since the deadline for refunding tuition was long ago passed. I transferred to Physics conveniently for Physics is closer to Electrical Engineering in discipline manner and I was very good in Physics back in the CEGEP. I kept a minor in Electrical Engineering that means besides my learning disability, I had to take some courses from Electrical Engineering in the coming years.

Here I went, in the Physics department, I managed my thought and sipped my coffee. The class started, and the professor raised his tone, “Newton……..”

Yes, I also had difficulties in university level Physics. Newton didn’t make a lot of sense to me. Physics is such a discipline that only bright students can dive into. The theories and concepts are very abstract and hard to understand in Physics. I am not dumb, but I think, now I am thinking, I am not the one for studying Physics, after many years I graduated from the university, I now thinking.

The pathway was wet, it rained. I went into the engineering building. Yes, I had classes, and I saw lots of student moving around for their classes. The elevator was always full thoroughly. In this computer booming age in late 1990s, Electrical Engineering and Computer engineering were very hot career wise, so lots of very bright students studied them. Companies worldwide spent billions of dollars in development of state of art computer equipments and telecommunication equipments. Engineering was the best discipline to study in. Considering job opportunities after graduation and yet years to come before you go retire. Engineering was such a good choice. Now I knew which by transferring to Physics department, I made such a bad choice. But I resisted, sadly. I had to have a Physics education, for this knowledge based university education. Going nowhere, landing no career unless graduate school accepts you to do forever research. I bared this in my mind since the beginning of my Physics, silently. Yes, it might last, but it was such a bad choice. After two years studying in Physics, I started to realize the fact. I am rather practical a person, and I had to do this, to studying Physics, not only the strict requirements in this education, and also the focus of your studying, every Physics student focused on graduate schools in their studies, wishing someday they will land themselves to do some fundamental research.

Now I am thinking of this, without me realizing very much, I had a very bad Physics education for my university, in the manner of me not studying very hard in my classes, but it was really not for me. I was sad.

My first year Physics was such a problem. I had problems in my lab course, as well as Special Relativity class. I was an aged student, entering my early twenties, Students in the classroom didn’t want to talk to me, for me having English deficiencies, or simply speaking English somehow in this French speaking province in Canada, Quebec. Lots of Physics students spoke French together, and I don’t speak French, I only speak English. In my lab work, students didn’t want to be my lab partner in later some years which forced me to do the labs myself. I thought it was generation gap between me and fellow students, if I could realize. But now when I think of it, it was the ignorance the white students usually post on minority students. They did not jeopardize me by playing the bad guys. Students were not bad guys, especially in Physics, but they ignored me. And there was no one breaking the silence between the ignorance and me, not even professors. I was feeling very jeopardized, Now here I was, feeling sad for the reason I could realize very much and facing a low academic profile and going nowhere in the university and my future career. Yes, teachers had compassions on me, they tried to exercise care, the special care on me. I became totally depressed. Is ignorance good thing to do? Maybe for white students, it is not good, but they do it. They are young adults, and it is not easy for them to open themselves to strangers. Maybe they thought they didn’t have to trouble me in classroom and my lab works, rather left me along. This situation remained quite a while in my Physics years, and I still could not forget it after I turned 30s.

It was the winter season, the snow flickers outside the window of the lab were beautifully dancing in the sky. And in a little while, thin and wet layers of snow were formed on the ground. It was cold and dull, I felt, my school days and my life became rigid and dull, just like this Physics building, yes, the not so tall Physics building made you feel the rigidity and dullness. It became gray, also like the gray concrete cold Physics Department. Theories and concepts and lab works occupied me for quite a while until I became graduated from the university.

I was a very happy child since I was young, I was always playing when I was studying. I was so happy that I played all kinds of games and kites as a Chinese boy since very young. Now I have to face this, ignorance and depression after I immigrated to Canada from Southern China. I was so unhappy. I was a bad students, not only I did not study hard, but also I made my parents worried about me.

A professor, John Bratford cared about me, He taught second year Physics Electronics, maybe he thought he taught better than Electrical Engineering Electronics. He cared about me, and he tried to set focus on me sometimes when I was doing lab work, as well paying attentions to fellow students, he paid a lot of attention on me, the special cared transfer students. Making sure I was doing good work. He as well could emphasize the trend in semiconductors in the Electronics class that was the extra at the end of the semester in the classroom.

I was special cared for without I needed it, I thought, now when I though about it, I realized. But professors and teachers still cared about me. Sometimes they made me feel I was in kinder garden and they might think only special care will come to my needs. Well I desired much more, then I always went to the pool house to have some fun in the Fridays after school or I borrowed good movies from university library on Fridays to watch at home for the night.

Choice was made; I also had Electronics classes in the Electrical Engineering Department for my minor. And this time, the excessive lab work nearly killed me. In engineering, you really need to move very fast or you will be eliminated.

It was sad that I was depressed and I was hospitalized several times. I suffered from depression, and I had to abandon some of my classes for my illness, withdraw was the method. There were several times I had to withdraw my classes in full for the whole semester for my illness in case I was depressed and stressed out. The feelings were painful that I could finish my university on time and I was aged towards my later teenage years. There was no hope after you were ill, and when I got back to classes, students still would not like to talk to me, and there was not anyone to break this silence. I felt jeopardize again for this cause I suffered from depression.

It was hopeless; and I was stressed in the exams, also the ignorance from fellow students, illness I suffered from depression. I became less and less open to people. And these young students, they did not want to talk to me. If you don’t open yourself first, you could not expect someone to be open for you, I thought and I learned. People would not like to talk to a looser.

There was also hope. I did not loose after all. In my third year of Physics, I had a chance to do an Internship for Science and Enginneering students, in a company located in Ottawa doing some optical engineering work. Now I have success path and I decided to follow it. After I went back to university from this one year a half Internship, I grew up. I not only studied harder in my senior years in Physics, but also I opened myself more to fellow students. Yes now I made some friends would like to do homework with me this time. Just wanted to make sure I was in a successful path, I carefully chose elective classes in this path, lasers and optical engineering offered by both Physics and Electrical Engineering departments, for my major program and minor program.

Hopes had the meaning of success, I liked it that way. Yes, no human being is build for success, but we usually do and would like to have a successful path, no matter what. It would enable you not only the money, but also successful as happiness. And it is the hope as the ingredient to enable the path, and along path you can reach a higher and higher ground. Yes, damage from ignorance can not be undone, but now I am hopeful.

It was the winter season, the snow flickers outside the window of the lab were very beautifully dancing in the sky. And only a little while, it accumulated on the ground and formed the thick layer of snow. Yes, that was the Chinese idiom, when I thought of it, “Thick accumulation and thin spending”. It means accumulation is very important. I was totally into Physics now in the senior years, and I thought, Electrical Engineering was only my minor, and I spent more time in my labs in Physics than I spent time in the discipline of Electrical Engineering.

Success was on the way, and ignorance was conquered by warm greetings to fellow students, and conversations were made since I became less deficient in English. And in the main time, I challenged myself in choosing some senior year classes. I thought about graduate school. But in turn, I looked at my grades, erhn, I couldn’t get into any graduate school labs with my grades even I could get good reference letter from professors. Professors liked me. But I didn’t; really necessarily need graduate school for my success, now I had some industrial experiences. That would become a very good career path to follow, and success was really on the way upon my graduation. I successfully graduated from university in six years when I was battling the illness and the sadness. When I accepted my university diploma from the Principle of the school, I was the happiest person in the world, exclusively.

All I need to say is there is hope. We are human beings, there is hope in essentially everything you do, as you go forward and do it. You may encounter difficulties, but hope is always on the way as you still move forward towards your goal to reach a higher and higher ground. And as you move along, success and light are always upon your reach, even it is difficult to get there, but it is worth the try and if you try to reach you goal, like “Thick accumulation thin spending”, you always can find hope along the way.

xhu

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xhu

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