Bonn

Today, my boss hired a feng shui consultant for our small office space. I am the only full-time employee besides the owners, and I work as an unpaid intern. My company would rather pay someone to rearrange my desk than pay me to work at it. FML

Today, I walked into my house to find several of my friends there for a surprise sweet sixteen party my mom was throwing for me. Everything was going great until the doorbell rang and a clown walked in. My mom hired a clown for my sweet sixteen. My friends took pictures. FML

Today, I had a job interview with a person named Chris. The entire time I couldn't figure out if Chris was a man or woman. The interview went as good as it could have gone. At the end I said, "Thank you very much sir." Wrong gender. FML

Today, McDonalds charged me 21 cents for a honey mustard packet. The jerk manager made me break a $50 bill. So I grabbed all their napkins, carried them into the parking lot and tossed them all into the air in protest and drove off. Down the road, I realized I left my wallet at the counter. FML

Today, my 9 year old nephew found his way onto my iTunes. I now have 401 songs titled "aidfj3P" by "ffjiel". FML

Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I took a late night drive, and after a while he stopped at a gas station and asked if I wanted anything I replied "guess". He came out and gave me a box of tampons. Apparently I've been b!tchy. FML

Today, my brother and I found a little bird that couldn't fly. While trying to convince my mom that it couldn't fly so we could keep it, I lightly tossed it in the air and it landed a few feet in front of me. Then my cat grabbed it and ate it. FML

Today, I visited my grandma. She offered me some chips in ziploc bag. I thought they were sour cream and onion chips from the look. They tasted funny, but I didn't want to be rude and I kept eating. I looked closer after a while and noticed that what I thought were chives was actually mold. FML

Today, a car floated slowly into my lane from the left with no signal. She gazed at the right turn like it was going to kiss her. "What the FU<K, lady?" I shouted, slamming on my brakes. Two seconds later I hear a tiny voice in my back seat, "What fut, YADY?!" My 22 month old son's first full sentence. FML

Today, I told my dad I couldn't make the trip to see him this weekend because I had to work. I surprised him by driving ten hours, and while he was out, I let myself in with my key and hid behind the couch for when he came in. He walked in. I jumped out. I then had to call 911. FML

Today, my boyfriend called me and I told him about the AnimeCon I'm attending, and that I wanted to go as Sailor Mars, he told me he had no idea what that was. After being mad for about ten minutes, I realized that I wanted to break up with him over not knowing what Sailor Moon was. FML

Bonn

Today, my car was impounded because I never registered it in California after moving here. In order to get it back, I need to register it. In order to register it, I need to pass a CA smog check. In order to pass the smog check, I need my car. FML

Today, I was at a gas station and I went to the bathroom. Thinking some was already in the bathroom, I waited for ten minutes while people lined up behind me only to find out that it was empty. FML

Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E. She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML

Today, at the bank, I went to get some coffee from their machine. I gave it my money and pressed the buttons but nothing was happening. After banging on the machine for ten minutes and calling a teller over, a little boy reached up on his tippy toes to press the giant green START button for me. FML

Today, It took me more than 4 hours to set up the back yard for my daughters baby shower. It only took my husband one push of a button to turn on the sprinklers. FML

Today, I had s3x with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML

Today, while reading some chemistry notes I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself "what the hell is solid water??". Then I heard my little cousin say "ice". I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God. you're still alive?" FML

Today, was my birthday. After hinting for almost 2 months for a Wii, my dad pulls out a shiny new Wii Package. The only problem? The box didn't have a Wii in it. My dad gave me a Wii box with my VCR inside and a note saying "This is life. Once you think you're happy, someone crushes it". FML

Today, my little nieces and nephews were about to have a water balloon fight. I was told to take pictures. They hit me. And my $600 camera. FML

Today, my daughter used pledge to clean the wooden staircase. I found out when I tried to walk down them in socks. FML

Today, my mom's car broke down after leaving the movies. We were waiting on a corner for my dad when a cop pulled up to us. He started to arrest me and my mom for "soliciting s3x." Even a cop thinks my mom dresses like a hooker. FML

Bonn

Today, I left on a 2 month trip. I was in a hurry to pack so I wouldn't miss my plane. There were 2 piles of clothes on my bed. One pile was clothes that didn't fit to take to a thrift store, one was to take with me. Guess which one I brought? FML

Today, I got beaten up by my ex-girlfriend's older brother who does mixed martial arts, because my ex saw me making out with another girl. We broke up over 6 months ago. FML

Today, my parents booked my 18th birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's. FML

Today, I went to my friend's beautiful wedding. The only other single girl was 5 years old. She caught the bouquet. FML

Today, I put on my "fat jeans" because none of my other jeans fit. Neither do my fat jeans. FML

Today, I got a facebook relationship request from my crush of 2 and a half years. I was so excited until he posted on my wall, "Sorry wrong Catherine". FML

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

Today, I was at the mall with my boyfriend and 2 friends. My uncle passed by me in the mall. He said "What are you baby-sitting or something?" He pointed to the merry-go-round. My boyfriend was sitting on the giraffe yelling at the top of his lungs. FML

Today, after playing in an online casino, I won £200. Being pretty tight for cash at the moment I was pretty excited. I then tried to withdraw it to be told that I can't have a penny of it because I didn't register my card details first. FML

Today, there was a meeting at work. I had to give a presentation to my boss and the other attendants. My first subject was on how my 5 year old son got to my briefcase and replaced the contents of it with crayons and a stuffed teddy bear. FML

Today, I was rushing to get on the train to work as I heard the "door closing" beeps. I was about to step onto the train when a man pushed me out of the way so that he could get on. My handbag fell out of my hand into the carriage. I stayed on the platform. FML

Today, I called my Dad to wish him happy birthday. The phone was disconnected, so I called my sister to see what his cell was. She then informed me that our Dad was in jail for selling shrooms to teenagers at a music festival out of state. FML

Today, I planned a romantic dinner with rose petals, the whole lot, for my ex-girlfriend to win her back. When I took her to my house I told her to guess what I had planned, to which she replied "I hope it's not a stupid romantic dinner with rose petals and shit." FML

看不懂

FML，a comment? What does it stand for?

Post by capitalist;2249289
don't you see every story ended with a FML, that is the comment.
can you find a better comment than FML?

capitalist

Post by 看不懂;2285211
FML，a comment? What does it stand for?

FML=fcuk my life

Bonn

Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML

Today, I went to the doctor for a sports physical. I've had a giant, dark birthmark on my left rib cage that I've hated most of my life. Recently I've learned to embrace it and show it off by wearing bikinis. My doctor saw it today and told me it's a fungus that's been spreading on my side all my life. FML

Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my s3xually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML

Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML

Today, I took a bike ride to enjoy the weather and stopped for a break on the sidewalk of an overpass, taking in the view of the beautiful hills. I was approached by a cop, who said to me: "Ma'am, I know your life is crap right now, but I'm sure it'll get better. Please don't jump." FML

Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML

Today, it was boiling hot so my boyfriend and I decided to sunbathe in the garden and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. Not only is my back so burnt that I can't lie down, I also have a white hand print on my upper back where my boyfriend had left his arm while we slept. FML

Today, I was home alone in the shower when in the opening of the curtain, I could see a man in a ski mask. I passed out, hit my head on the tub. I then found out it was my dad pulling a prank on me. I almost died cause my dad wanted to see me scream like a girl. FML

Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML

Today, I wrote a long wall post on my teachers wall on facebook including how much of a douche I thought she was, I wasn't planning on posting it but did on accident, so I quickly deleted it. I felt pretty clever. Did you know facebook sends you emails including what was written on the post? FML

Today, I got an email from a guy to whom I sold my old phone to over eBay. Turns out I forgot to delete the nude photos of myself and my boyfriend that I had stored up. His email asked me for "any PIN numbers needed to use the phone, and oh by the way, nice tits." FML

Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened windows explorer repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML

Today, I learned that shaving my unibrow while drunk/high was a terrible idea. I also learned that one brow looks better than no brow. FML

Bonn

Today, I texted my friend. Apparently, he had gotten his cell number changed since the last time we talked. I ended up trying to make a 13 year old boy recall the time we hooked up in Cancun. FML

Today, I visited a former coworker. Outside his place, an elderly neighbor complained she tripped over some bikes. I moved them and joked, "At least you didn't break your hip." Forty minutes later, an ambulance was at the apartments. The lady had tripped over the bikes again, breaking her hip. FML

Today, I was chatting with an amazing guy online. He was perfect for me. After five hours he told me he loved me and I said it back. So than we decided to trade nudes. I sent mine. Within two seconds my niece calls, laughing her ass off, telling me how weird my birthmark is. FML

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarrassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

Today, I found some Nesquick Chocolate Milk mix in my pantry which sounded good. While making a glass, I got angry because not all of the mix would dissolve. Frustrated, I downed the drink. When I finished I looked in the glass and realized the mix that wouldn't dissolve was actually tiny ants. FML

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML

Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML
Today, I went to my fiancé's house to have dinner with his family for the first time. Trying to be polite at the end of the meal I went to take the plates in to the kitchen. I overestimated how heavy the half-finished soup pot was, and threw soup all over myself and future mother-in-law. FML

Today my husband's rich aunt and uncle came in town and handed us an envelope and said we hope this helps out with the student loans. Inside the envelope was just an article on new student loan procedures and how to get lower payments. FML

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

Today, I went to the doctor. I told her I felt down all the time. She asked me a few questions and she told me I was depressed. She suggested to go home and find the sources of my depression. When I told my parents, they started laughing and said "Yeah, right." I think I found my source. FML

Today, my sister just had a huge fight with my mom. After that, she thought it was appropriate to smash my $1,000 guitar to "blow off some steam." FML

Today, was my first day working for a real estate company. Just as I sat in my car my pants ripped hugely from my crotch all the way to the top of my pants and three inches wide. I was wearing a thong and we were on our way to show him an open house. FML

Bonn

Today, I found one of those online color blindness tests where you have to distinguish a colored number from the pattern. Not being able to, I spent hundreds of dollars on medical tests to discover that the pattern online was a joke. FML

Today, I got a call from my parents that they have decided to get a divorce. My brothers and I just shelled out $5,000 each and spent months planning their 50th Anniversary party that was supposed to be next month. FML

Today, I was mugged while walking down an unfriendly part of town. I was then arrested by a cop who happened to be coming around the corner, and saw me tackle the man to the ground. The mugger slipped the wallet back into my jacket and claimed I had assaulted him. My wallet was 300$ lighter. FML

Today, I was fired from my volunteer job. Why? Because they said I was working so hard and doing such a good job that I was making the real staff look bad. FML

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

Today, my dad told me he knew exactly where to poke me in the stomach to make me have instant diarrhea. I joked and said I didn't believe him. I am now stuck cleaning sh!t out of my favorite jeans. FML

Today, was my wedding day. Right before I walked down the aisle in my gorgeous white dress the woman who did my makeup saw a blemish. She went to squirt concealer on her finger and squirted the orange concealer all over my dress. FML

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wants to become a lesbian. I also learned that she's coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sister is her date. FML

Today, my little brother learned that breaking a glow stick and emptying it into someone's eyes does not help them see in the dark. It's a good lesson, I just wish he hadn't used my eyes to learn it. The doctor says the burning feeling should go away in 3 or 4 days. FML

Today, I met a great girl at a party. We talked alone, and she made me promise I'd dance with her later. When I saw her later, she was unconscious, and in an ambulance. She'd collapsed, and the entire party assumed I'd spiked her drink. FML

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to disappoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower off my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML
Today, while working as a cashier, I was ringing up an elderly woman's massaging shower head, when she said, "If I had a man like you, I wouldn't need this." She then gave me her number. FML

Today, I found out why my girlfriend of 8 months has never agreed to stay the night before. Now I have a 4-month old mattress that needs replacing, and a 23-year-old bed wetter for a girlfriend. FML

My Life Is Average (MLIA):
Today my dentist asked me if I floss. I haven't flossed in years but I told him I do every day. He told me he could tell. MLIA


Today, a Billy Mays commercial came on. I felt guilty changing the channel, so I watched the whole thing. I felt as if I had paid my respects to him. MLIA


Today, while hanging out with some friends, I made a witty observation. Everyone laughed. Later that day while around different people, I told the same joke as if I had never said it before, and got a similar reaction. MLIA.


Today, I took a quiz on facebook on whether or not Megan Fox would date me. Even though I'm a girl and I'm straight, I felt quite satisfied to find out that she might date me. MLIA


Today I played basketball with a kid on my street I don’t like that much. He complimented on how well I played. I like him more now. MLIA


Today, I needed to walk across a one way street. I still looked both ways out of habit. MLIA


Today I put on a pair of shorts that I haven't worn in a long time. I put my hand in my pocket and found a five dollar bill. I felt as if myself from the past wanted to give a gift to myself in the future. I was satisfied with the gift. MLIA.


Today, I heard a knock at the door. I looked out the window and saw a FedEx truck parked outside the house. I decided to wait until the delivery man was gone to get the package so I wouldn't have to interact with him. MLIA


Today, I was sad about Michael Jackson's death. So I looked up all his songs and downloaded them illegally, but I didn't feel bad cause he doesn't need the money anymore. MLIA.


Today, I sneezed while I was alone. I blessed myself. Then I thanked myself. MLIA.


Today, my parents weren't home so I decided to blast my music, since they always tell me to turn it down. After about 5 minutes, I lowered the volume because it was too loud. MLIA


Today, When I drove under a tree, one of the branches scraped the top of my car. As a reflex, I ducked even though there was no possibility that the tree could hit me. MLIA


Today, in the shower there was a hair on the wall. I didn't want to touch it so I got puddles of water and threw it at it in hope it would fall. It didn't. I then aimed the shower head at it. It fell. MLIA


Today, I wanted to make bubbles, but was too lazy to blow them. I put the bubble wand in front of a fan. It worked and I was amused. MLIA.


Today, a cute guy sat next to me on the bus. I changed the music on my iPod to something more intelligent in case he looked to see what I was listening to. He didn't. MLIA

Bonn

Today, my co-worker came over to my desk and told me that I should protect my Twitter updates, because I had unknowingly made them public. My tweets include drinking stories, all the men I've hooked up with, various cuss words, sexual innuendos, and how much I hate my co-workers. FML

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did.’ I even stayed with them at times so they wouldn't get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

Today, I spent 3 hours looking at a you tube video for how to do Rubik's cube. Even after being told how to do it, I couldn't finish it. I scroll down at the comments and read "Awesome! I'm 10 and can do it in 3 minutes now!". I'm 28 and still couldn't get it, even with a guide. FML

Today, I saw a major accident then stopped to help the drivers. I was on my way to a rest stop to use the bathroom so as we were waiting for police I went into the woods and I come out to the police arresting me for public urination. One of the drivers said I was "using the woods for a bathroom." FML

Today, I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia that is part of the my exchange group in Holland. After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. We were about to have s3x when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. FML

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and left a note that said "lease stop singing in the shower. You're terrible, and everyone in the building can hear you." FML

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for me and my girlfriend. I was trying that move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and the girl both slurp the same piece of spaghetti and end up kissing. Only when I tried it, my spaghetti went down too far in my throat and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

Today, I gave the option to my boyfriend of 5 years to either quit World of Warcraft of lose me. He said WOW makes him happier. FML

Today, my sister got her car repossessed. In order to get it back, my mom took $4,000.00 out of my bank account promising she would pay it back within a few months. She lost her job. FML

Today, I was skating with my friends and I decided to go to the gas station to get a pack of cigs. The last thing I remember hearing was "Look out!" I am now with twenty stitches because some idiot bet he could throw a brick farther than another guy. FML

Today, I came home and found out that my new roommate, who smokes half a pack of cigarettes a day and drinks heavily 5 nights a week, had smashed my $300 bong because "weed is a horrible and deadly drug that will kill you slowly." FML
My Life Is Average (MLIA):
Today, I was buying medicine for my mom at a drugstore. On an aisle full of natural vitamins, I saw a supplement called Horny Goat Weed. I giggled. MLIA


Today, while stopped at a red light, I inched forward just to see if the car behind me would do the same. He did. MLIA.

Today, I had a staring contest with a little girl while sitting in traffic. She sneezed. I won. MLIA.


Today, I was jamming to some music while driving with my friend. I didn't know the words to one part of the song so I casually took a drink of my bottled water whenever the part came on. MLIA


Today I ordered a pizza. The delivery man told me "Enjoy your pizza"; I replied with "You too". We both pretended not to notice. MLIA.


Today, I purposely transferred $14.28 from my Savings to my Checking account so that my Savings would total exactly $5432.10. It made me smile. MLIA


Today I decided to walk from my bedroom to the living room with my eyes closed, to see if I could get there without bumping into anything. I succeeded. MLIA

Today I arranged a whole load of candy on my desk in little piles. I told myself that for every paragraph of my assignment I wrote, I could eat a pile of candy. A couple of minutes later I'd written nothing but eaten all the candy. MLIA

Today I threw an empty bottle into the recycling bin about 10 feet away and made it. I wished more people were there to see it happen. MLIA.


Today I stuck a piece of gum under the bleachers. I never done it before. I felt like a total badass. MLIA


Today I was walking down the street and the wind was blowing my hair back from my face. I felt like a model. MLIA

Today, I heard that if you lick somebody's elbow without them seeing you, they can't feel it. I tried to lick somebody's elbow secretly. They saw me. It was awkward. I still don't know if they would have been able to feel it if they hadn't seen me. MLIA.

Today, I was talking to myself in my house. The mail man saw me and gave me a funny look. I then pointed to the other side of me head to make it seem like I was wearing a Bluetooth. MLIA