Bonn

FML:
Today, I met with my realtor to close on a house for my boyfriend and me. While waiting for my boyfriend, I got a text message from him saying he was breaking up with me. I had already signed the papers on our house. Now I'm responsible for a mortgage that I can only afford with his help. FML

Today, through AIM, I told my ex boyfriend that I still have really deep feelings for him. The message I sent him was really long and took me almost an hour to write. His response? "Dun dun dunnn, the plot thickens!" Then he signed off. FML

Today, my boss fired me because arriving at 8 and leaving at 9 is unacceptable and I should work at least 8 hours a day. For the past week I have been working 13 hours a day to finish a project. I got fired because my boss does not know the difference between am and pm. FML

Today, during my shift at the restaurant, my boss's daugher came in. I could not help but notice she was almost popping out of her low-cut top. After having a private chat with her mother, my boss took me aside and said "my daugher's got eyes, you know, not just a pair of t*ts". FML

Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We're highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I've been seeing someone else for 2 years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML

Today, I was in my car and a cute guy pulled up next to me. He looked at me and smiled, but in order to be cool, I pretended not to notice. I also pretended that I was listening to music and was completely absorbed in it, singing passionately. I wasn't even listening to music and my window was down. FML

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML

Today, I hit a horrible tee shot from the 18th hole. I decided to use my driver
to take my frustration out on a nearby bush. The bees who lived in that bush decided to use their stingers to take out their frustration up inside my golf shorts. FML

Today, I saw a spot on my computer screen. I tried to use my finger to rub it off. Then, I tried using my nail. Then I tried to windex it off. I continued scratching at it with my nail. A half hour and one scratched screen later, I realized the spot was part of the webpage I was looking at. FML
My Life Is Average (MLIA):
Today, I walked in on my cat when he was pooping in his litterbox. He glared at me, and I walked out. Later, I apologized, and he started purring. I was glad he accepted my apology. MLIA

Today, another car pulled up beside me at a red light, I decided we would race. He wasn't aware of the race. I won. MLIA

Today I was standing next to an gumball dispenser, but I didn’t have any quarters so all I could do was turn the crank back and forth. All of a sudden a free gumball fell out. It made my day. MLIA.

Today I was driving and I knew the person in the car behind me, I put on my sunglasses so I wouldn't make eye contact with them while looking in my rear view mirror, it worked. MLIA.

Today I yelled at my sister for eating six cookies when I hadn’t had any yet. She left. I had eight. MLIA.

Today, I noticed that there was 1 song on my iTunes that had 0 play counts. I played it once so that the song didn't feel left out and had at least been played once. MLIA

Today, I did my laundry. When I opened the dryer a bunch of loose change that had been in my pockets fell out in front of me. I felt like I had won a prize. MLIA

Today, I sneezed and my cat gave a little meow right after. Then I sneezed again and he did the same thing. I felt that he was saying "bless you", so I said "thank you". I think our bond is stronger now. MLIA

Today, I went to Starbucks to order a coffee but the kind I wanted was to hard to pronounce so I ordered something that was much easier to say. MLIA

Today, I was solving a word search and I found a spare word hidden within it. I circled it, added it to the list, and crossed it out. I felt I was better than the word search company. MLIA.
MY LIFE IS AWESOME -
I stumbled upon this last night.
Today I realized that I really want to skydive this weekend, but I have to model instead. FMLIA

Today, I made my exboyfriend cry. FMLIA

Today I realized I'm an engineer, I'm in a frat, I have a sweet fro, awesome mirror aviator sunglasses I wear all the time, and a hot girlfriend. FMLIA

Today I was having s3x with my girlfriend in the living room on the family couch, reverse cowboy. My dad walked in and saw everything, then gave me a high five. FMLIA

Bonn

Today, I had a basketball game against our rivals. Since the starting guard had a broken ankle, I felt happy that I could finally get playing time and prove that I'm good. Instead I had to run the scoreboard for the game, because the scoreboard guy was absent. FML

Today, I went into work to change a shift I was unable to work. I phone the first person on the employee sheet and they promptly answer by saying "You still work here? I thought the manager fired you..." I was fired last week and have been showing up for shifts without anybody noticing. FML

Today, my nine year old son went around telling everyone that me and my husband had a "foursome" last month. It turns out that some d-bag counselor at the camp he goes to thought it would be funny to tell him that a foursome was a divorce. All of his friend's parents think we're kinky freaks. FML

Today, I found out that my wife had been debating leaving me for an old boyfriend from high school. They rekindled their relationship on Facebook, and talking on the cell phone. Both things I insisted she have. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I'd just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she's been cheating on me with. FML

Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML

Today, my crush took me out to lunch. When the waiter came for our orders he ordered onion rings and looks at me and says, "I won't be kissing anyone tonight anyways." FML

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

Today, my boyfriend picked me up to come spend the night at his house, and on the way he started pulling over to get some condoms. I told him no need, I was on my period. He turned the car around and took me home. FML

Bonn

Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom I leaned to the side to wipe my butt and heard a crack. Not knowing what it was i continued to wipe. After i finished I got up to see that I'd cracked the toilet seat in half. FML

Today, I asked a buddy of mine if he wanted to see a movie. He said he was busy that day, so I decided to go alone. Midway through, the couple behind me is making out and kicking my seat. I turn around, and it's my ex-girlfriend making out with my buddy. FML.

Today, I got excited when my cell phone lit up because I hadn't received a single phone call all day. Turns out it was the "low battery" indicator. FML

Today, my laptop plug got stuck in the wall outlet. I stood there for 10 minutes violently trying to yank it out. My boss came in and screamed at me for making noise. I was angry, so I glared at him and yanked on the plug as hard as I could. It dislodged itself noiselessly and I fell over. FML

Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML

Today, after buying dinner from the supermarket, I had the change in my hand, and my wallet. In the parking lot, a quarter fell out of my hand, and right next to the street drain. As I went to pick it up, my wallet fell down the drain. FML

Today, my cousin told me that the stop signs outlined with a white line were optional. Later, a cop pulled me over, when I asked why he said, "You ran that stop sign back there." I explained what my cousin had told me and he looked at me funny and replied, "All stop signs have a white outline." FML

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

Today, my 14 year old sister deleted my entire iTunes library, which had every song by The Doors, The Beatles, The Grateful Dead and the Rolling Stones, because she thought my music was "weird." She replaced it with Britney Spears, Panic at the Disco and the Jonas Brothers. FML
My Life Is Average (MLIA):
Today, I first heard about 'mylifeisg.com'. I thought it would be people talking about all the gangsta things they'd done that day. I was let down. MLIA.
Last night I was feeling adventurous so I slept in my bed backwards. It was a smashing success. MLIA

Today, I decided to eat healthy so I had a bowl of fruit and water. To reward myself, I ate a cookie and had a soda. MLIA.

Today I was working on my laptop when I noticed that my battery power was at 4%. Instead of plugging it in, I raced to get my work done before it died. I won and felt like a winner.
Today, I was watching TV when an infomercial came on. I decided to change the channel, and the exact same infomercial was on that channel too, but about 3 seconds behind. I proceeded to flip back and forth between the two making the guy repeat what he said over and over. I was thoroughly amused. MLIA

Today, my dad and I were making fun of the cheesy commercials that came on between the show we were watching. Then an ad for Trojan Ultra-Thin condoms came on, and we grew silent. Then the next ad came on, and we acted like nothing happened. MLIA.

Today, my dog walked into our screen door when it was closed and I laughed at him. A few hours later, I did the same thing. I looked around to make sure he didn't see. He didn't.

Today I pointed at a leaf in my yard and said wingardium leviosa. Then the wind blew the leaf. I felt like wizard and thought about how my parents would take the news. MLIA.

Today, I was listening to Hannah Montana on my iPod on the bus. The guy next to me saw and I heard him whisper to his friend, "That guy's listening to Hannah Montana." I changed it to something cool and his friend replied, "No, he isn't." I felt smug. MLIA

Today I opened a candy bar on the opposite end of the "tear here" notch. I felt rebellious. MLIA

Bonn

Today, I spent two hours inside a bar talking about how I never worry about my boyfriend cheating on me when he travels for work. Everyone told me I was lucky to have such a great relationship. When we all decided to go out on the patio for a smoke, we saw him making out with someone else. FML

Today, I awoke to find a water pipe burst. I frantically ran down to the basement to turn off the water to the house. What I didn't expect when I reached the bottom of the stairs was to have to start dodging the falling, wet ceiling tiles. FML

Today, I woke up in bed next to my girlfriend. She whispered that she wanted me to go down on her. Excited, I duck under the covers and start moving down her body. When I got in position she held my head still with her thighs and farted. FML

Today, I proposed to a girl I'd been in love with for 6 years. I filled the balcony of the building where I'd first laid eyes on her with innumerable roses and, under the starlit sky, I did it. She later posted on facebook 'OMG. This geek I knew from high school did the FUNNIEST thing today'. FML

Today, I woke up in a daze after a long night drinking. I felt a subtle nudge on my shoulder. I was at my ex-girlfriends house, passed out on top of her, with no pants on. Her dad was, in so many words, informing me that I had to leave immediately. FML

Today, while riding on the car with my family, I put on my headphones and pretended to be listening to music and when my parents talked to me, I pretended I couldn't hear them. They took this opportunity to discuss how fat I was and how I can't hold down a boyfriend. They were laughing as well. FML

Today, I was at a family function. We were all sitting on the couch and I ended up falling asleep. I was woken up by my cousin, who threw a glass full of water at me. Everyone looked at me horrified. Turns out I m@sturb@te in my sleep. FML

Today, I was walking to my mailbox and I fell down and couldn't get up. My neighbor walked by with his dog, took one look at me struggling, said "What is wrong with kids these days, drunk at 9am" and continued on. I couldn't get up because I am still healing from a stress fracture in my hip. FML

Today, I had my first kiss at a party. Later, I was told that the guy had been dared to kiss the ugliest girl in the room. FML

Today, my building's elevators were temporarily out of service. I climbed up 17 flights of stairs only to realize I left my keys downstairs. After the painful climb back up, the elevator lights came on. FML

Today, my friend posted my picture on Craigslist under the "men seeking men" section. I got 16 replies with 2 hours. He then decided to post another picture of me under "men seeking women" to compare results. The only reply I got was from a man. FML

Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML

Today, while deleting my ex-fiance's account off my computer, I saved her pics. I found one of her with her now boyfriend in our bedroom. FML
Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend that I couldn't believe this happened he said, "I'm not going to lie, I didn't always pull out fast." FML
Today, while eating a subway sandwich, I was watching a comedian on TV. As he said his signature line, I laughed hysterically and accidentally snorted a jalapeno into my nose. I spent the next 5 minutes trying to snort out the little piece that got lodged into my nostril. FML
Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML
Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML
Today, a couple came into the gas station where I work to ask for directions. While I was giving the woman directions (and even writing them down to be as helpful as possible), the man stole my wallet out of my purse that was sitting on the other end of the counter behind a display. FML
Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML
Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML
Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I had been in Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her new boyfriend already spent most of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a new car and a trip to Las Vegas. FML
My Life Is Average (MLIA):
Today, I was walking down the pier and there was a kid walking at the same pace next to me. I tried to slow down so it wasn't awkward, but he slowed down right when I did. It was awkward. MLIA.
Today I was outside with my dog when he began to bark. Within a few moments, 3 other dogs from surrounding yards joined in. I wanted to be in the loop so I decided to bark too. All the dogs stopped, and my dog walked away. I apologized for embarresing him in front of his friends. MLIA
Today, I went to lunch with my brother. When he went to the restroom I ate some of his fries. I moved the rest around so he wouldn't notice. When he got back he offered me some.I felt guilty, but took some anyways. MLIA
Today I was driving my grey nissan quest down the highway, the car behind me was an orange nissan quest and the car behind that was another grey nissan quest I smiled at myself for 10 minutes because I thought the three of us looked like a cheese sandwhich. MLIA
Today, I convinced a stranger that we didn't have bagels in Canada. They believed me. I told them, that you learn something new everyday. I lied. MLIA
Today, I was going to say hi to my dad, but he was doing the dishes, and I knew he would ask me to help him. I slowly backed away and escaped the unwanted situation. MLIA.
Today I searched for my name on facebook. There was only one other person with my name, and I had more friends than him. I felt better than him. MLIA
Today, I was playing a little kid version of trivial pursuit with my friend and I didn't remember the answer to one of the questions. I just laughed about how stupid the question was until I could think of the answer. I think she bought it. MLIA
Today, a friend told me my blog was hilarious and he always looked forward to reading it. I'm worried one day he'll stop finding it funny and I'll let him down. I haven't been able to think of a single thing to write about since. MLIA.
Today, I thought I saw my friend across the parking lot so I called her name. It wasn't her. I pretended that it was in case anyone was watching. MLIA
Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to a girl on my soccer team. She accepted. Later at practice I felt like I had to say Hi to her because we're now Facebook friends. MLIA
Today I discovered that my new Lucky brand jeans say "lucky you" when you open the zipper. Highly amused, I shared my discovery with my mom. She did not share my enthusiasm. MLIA
Today, someone flashed their headlights at me to warn of a speed trap. I warned three others, I felt like a good community member. MLIA
Today, I wrote hello on the notepad in my hotel before leaving my room. when I came back the house keeper had written hello back. I felt like she wanted to be friends. MLIA
Today, I went out of my way to step on a leaf that looked really crunchy. I stepped on it and it did not crunch. I was disappointed. MLIA