杏林树下

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【品 名】 民间 俗 称 老 婆， 正 式 场 合 可 称 妻 子 、太 太 或 内 人 ，现 亦 叫 达 令.

【化 学 名 称】woman

【成 分】 水、血 液 脂肪 类 碳 水化 合 物，气 味 幽 香。

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【理 化 性 质】 性 质 活 泼，根 据 情 况 可 分 为 一 价(嫁) 、二 价(嫁)、三 价(嫁)……N价(嫁)。易 熔 于 蜜 语 、甜 言 ；在 真 情、钻 石、金钱、 豪 宅 的 催 化 下 熔 点  降 低； 难 熔 于 白 丁。

【性状】本品 为 可 乐 状 凹 凸物 ， 表 面 光 洁， 涂 有 各 种 化 妆 品 ， 对 钻 石、 铂 金 有 强 烈 的 亲 和 力 。 羞 涩 时 产 生红 移 现 象； 生 气 产 生 蓝 移 或 绿 移 现 象   ；随 时 间推 移 产 生 黄 移 现 象  ， 形 状 会 有 所 改 变 ，但 不 影响 继 续 使 用。

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【功 能 主 治】主 治 单 身 恐 惧 症 顽 疾，对 失 恋 和 相 思 病 也 有 明 显 效 果。

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【用 法 用 量 】建 议 一 生 一 片。

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【注 意 事 项  】 本 品 仅 适 用 于 单 身 之 成 年 男性  。 服 用 时 需 小 心 谨  慎  ，如药 品 导 致 使 用 者 出 现 耳 朵 变 软  、 惧 内、 气 管 炎等 现 象， 则 必 须 马 上 找 相关 专 业 医 师 咨 询 ， 并 在 医 生 指 导 下 使 用。 多 吃 有 致 命 的 过 敏 反 应 ，吃 两种 以 上 即 会 导 不 良 的 副 作 用。

【规格】通 常 为 45千 克 至 65千 克， 如 出 现 超 重 况  ,请 男人 督 促 其 加 强 锻 炼 或 找 减 肥 医 生 处 理。

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【贮 藏 】常 温 下 妥 善 保 存 ， 室 内 通 风 处 最 佳； 如 在 室 外， 则 需 避 免 与 帅 哥 长 期相 处 。 使 用 期 间， 尤忌 本 品 夜 不 归 宿。 ; b6 V0 x+ e" E) N9 S

【包 装 】各 种 时装、 首 饰 ,手 袋， 并 随 季 节 变 化 随 时 更 换。 ; b3 I) k0 N) S; E

【有效 期】视 幸 福 程 度 而 定， 最 长 可 达 一 生，最 短 一 天 也 可 能 失 效。


【批 准 文 号 】见 结 婚 登 记 证。



【生 产 企 业 】岳 父 和 岳 母。



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$【禁 忌】 无 论 什 么 时 候 都 不 能 说  胖。

帅的被人砍

森林里三只小动物在聊天。小猪说：现在流行用昵称，以后你们就叫我小猪猪。小兔：好，那我就叫小兔兔。小鸡满脸不高兴：我还有事，先走了.

帅的被人砍

  森林里三只小动物在聊天。小猪说：现在流行用昵称，以后你就叫我小猪猪。小兔说：好，那叫我小兔兔。小鸡满脸不高兴说：我有事先走了。

帅的被人砍

一光棍洞房花烛夜后，新娘艰难地扶着墙出来，骂到：“骗子，他说他有三十年的积蓄，我还以为是钱呢！！”

帅的被人砍

笑话就一句：妻子在丈夫的墓碑上刻上一句话：终于硬了。

杏林树下

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!

Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.

Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!"

formatguy1

In a busy Parisian café, a tourist is sitting alone, enjoying a crème caramel.

Another tourist approaches:

Me sit here?

No problem...

Thank you, very nice...

Are you on vacation?

Me, I arrive yesterday...

What country are you from?

Norway. You?

From Québec.

Québec? Me not know Québec...

Québec... near the Atlantic, next to Ontario, the Great Lakes...

No, me not know these places.

Never mind then, I'm from Canada...

Ah! Canada! Canada I know! So why you tell me you come from Québec?

Because, my first country is Québec!

Oh, you were born in Québec and immigrated to Canada....

No, no, I was born in Québec and I stay in Québec...

Oh, then your father is from Canada?

No, no, my father, my mother, my wife, my dog, everybody, they come from Québec....

So why you say Canada?

For Christ sake, because you say you don't know where is Québec!

OK, but if you say you not know Norway, me I not say that my country is Japan...

Shit! Canada isn't Japan. Canada, it's my country.

Oh, your country not Québec anymore?...

My country is Québec. But my country, it can be Canada too, if the person I speak to not know where is Québec, Tabarnak!

Me not understand...

Look, it's simple: I come from the Province of Québec, in the country of Canada.

Ok! But me not ask you what province you're from, I ask you what country. Me, I come from Lofoten region in Norway, but I answer you Norway when you ask me what country I come from...

I know, I'm not stupid, Calisse-Tabarnak! But me, when they ask me what country I come from, I answer Québec. Even if it's the name of my province. For me, it's my country.

Oh, now I understand. You are a separatist, you want your Quebec province to be your country...

Are you crazy, Hostie? I don't want to know nothing from that shit!

Me, I not understand anything anymore.

I tell you before, it's simple! You ask me what country I come from, I answer Québec because Québec is my country, but I don't really want it to be my country, it would be too much trouble. I just want to say it. So, why don't you just let me say it?

Me all mix up. You have passport from what country:

Québec or Canada?

CANADA, Hostie!

So why you not tell me Canada right away?

Because it don't feel right. For me, Canada is Anne Murray, the Calgary Stampede, the Mounted Police, SARS, it's not my home all that. Home, it's La Famille Plouffe, Séraphin Poudrier, La P'tite Vie, Félix Leclerc, La Poune, Les Canadiens de Montréal, Les Bougons... Do you understand???

Less and less...

Listen, forget all that shit. Ask me another question.

Ok, what town you come from?

Mmm..., I don't know anymore...

You not know what town you come from?

Yes, yes, I know what town I come from, but my town it merge with another town, but soon it is going to demerge from the town that was supposed to be my town...

Oh, that very complicated! When you write your address, what do you write?

I don't know anymore. Before, I used to write Hull, but Hull changed to Gatineau, but they tell us to wait 3 years before stopping to write Hull to not mix up the mailman. But now, the Liberals they pass a law that make it ok for Gatineau to be Hull again, but I don't know if we have to wait 3 years to be able to write Hull, or when the 3 years are passed, if we have to write Gatineau for 3 years, and after we write Hull. Unless, of course, the PQ come back in power and we remerge with Gatineau, then we'll have to write Gatineau for 3 years.

I leave now; I have hurt in my head...

It's so simple Tabarnak: My town is Hull, my country is Québec. But if you prefer, my town is Gatineau and my country is Canada.

OK, I think I understand!

It's about time. Anyway, it was fun talking to you, if you come around where I live; maybe you come and see me...

OK, but where? Hull in Québec or Gatineau in Canada?

You're a pain in the ass. Forget the whole thing

That, my friends, is the portrait of Québec!

formatguy1

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...



One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said

"I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."



The girl said, "NO."



Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."



She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.



The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."



She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......



She said, "The bastard used quarters!"





Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

formatguy1

After digging to a depth of 1000 feet last year, Chinese scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network a
thousand years ago.

Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, Japanese scientists dug
2000 feet and headlines in the Japanese papers read:

"Japanese scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibre,
and have concluded that our ancestors already had an advanced high-
tech digital network a thousand years earlier than the Chinese."

One week later, the Philippine newspapers reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 5000 feet, Filipino scientists from Bocaue
have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years
ago, our ancestors were already using wireless technology ."

formatguy1

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry, sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about the situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no problem, damn it!" the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager. "Is this bitch giving you a hard time?"