迎剩蛋送大餐，”此地有缘“全文，"Yuan's Place" by Sha Yan, featured in my collection "Yuan's Place" by Sha Yan.
Yuan's Place
Time was already past eleven; I was still watching the TV show. It was a good one, and it ended finally after a while. I turned the TV off, turned on the stereo in the corner and inserted one of my favourite CDs. The music started naturally as usual. Nice and quiet, I found. I walked towards the window. It was nice and quiet out there. The city was almost into sleep; lights on the street and the tall buildings, the stars and the moon in the sky looked beautiful at night. Peaceful. I sighed... The bed looked quite messy, books, CDs and magazines were laying there. I cleaned them, and then laid my back on the bed. She came into my mind. Cannot forget about her, still. So peaceful, though. Thinking of going out to have a drink. It was getting late. Forget it. Ceiling looked plain and nice. I closed my eyes, and then fell asleep.
The alarm woke me up at 6am. I turned on the TV. News, news, and news. Get a newspaper, then, I think. I walked towards washroom. Looked into the mirror, I didn’t look too bad. After cleaning and a warm shower, I ran out. Morning exercises took me a while. I turned on my notebook, started surfing the Internet. Lots of email, hard to reply all of them, I was running out of time. I closed my notebook, and I got dressed. Tie, it was always a nice tie. I looked at me in the mirror. Looking better. 8am, I went out. Picked up a newspaper at the newsstand in the corner. I went for the breakfast. Hot soymilk was good. It was the time to go to office now.
I went in the office about 9am, always a little earlier. Among my emails, I always liked those my colleagues wrote. Today Wanda, tomorrow Winnie, the next day Wendy. Paul always complements me "a King". Anyway, my email box is always full. A manager, nice shirt and tie. I always miss her... Maybe I will ask Wanda to order a Gold fish pool. It will definitely look nice in the office. Swimming like gold fishes is boring, but it is good to look at them all the time, gold fishes. Start to work, I realized.
Time was about noon; I did not bring the lunch, like last time. Paul called me a while ago asking colleagues out for lunch. I did not want to go, lots of work. I asked Wanda to order me a lunch box, intentionally. I did not remember to bring the running shoes; otherwise I could go out for a short run. She used to run with me together early morning. Paul came in, asked me out for lunch. After seeing me busy on doing my things, he wanted to leave. I told him I have already asked Wanda to order me a lunch box. He did not say anything, went out and closed my office door.
Paul is a manager at another department, 35 years old. He is a good guy. I know him a lot. Colleague likes him because he is a kind man. He is not married; sometimes I think he is the idol manager of the whole company. He is very careful on things, especially business related. Last company picnic, he took lots of pictures for everyone in the office. I think Wanda likes him. Anyway, none of my business.
It is always quite quiet in the office, only voices are phone rings and phone answers. One email came into my attention; Winnie said she received a call from an unsatisfied customer to resolve a dispute. She used to take care of these well. It might be a hard one. Hard one or easy ones, what the heck. But must let customers satisfied. Management always say.
It has been a long time I hasn't had any information from her since she went to America. She has my contact information. Still, at least a call to home. She did not even contact her family, I guess. Went aboard like this, I really don't know what to say, two years only, husband and wife. She is not satisfied with what she has got. Anyway, she always thinks she is right. I know her, but I never know what was in her mind. She might be busy working on her graduate degree now. Good for her, all the time.
Time past nine, I finished dinner at my parent's home. Mom and dad were watching TV. I half laid on bed smoking, still thinking. Driving home did not take long. I didn't want to leave now. Paul called to ask me to the pub. Why didn't you go, dad said? Mom never minds. I picked up my jacket, and joined with Paul.
Night passed away, always with a tired feeling. A change would be a good choice. Company ran just fine. Looking at the job ads. On the newspaper I bought in the morning, this or that, it is hard to find a better one than the one I have. Hang on, I think. Yesterday, Paul and I drank a lot. My colleagues like me, "King" though. Not too many people in my company know her. I did invite Paul and Wanda to my wedding, I remembered. I think they are the only ones in my company know her, my wife. My boss knew her a little; we went to a business cocktail party together last time. Paul and Wanda were there too, but they did not see her. We left early. I guess Paul may know a little about the matter between her and me. Anyway, I like to keep it for myself.
Wanda did not drink at all yesterday; she did sing Karaoke with Wendy together, if I did remember. They are good girls, twenty something. Top graduates from top universities. I just don't know whether they were classmates. They were always together. In old time, they might become "twin" sisters. Paul song yesterday, not so well; it was not the first time I saw him sing. Maybe Paul liked Wanda; they graduated from the same school.
Back to home, I still remembered what happened yesterday. Paul likes Wanda. It was not my business, but I still cared. Paul is a very good guy. I have known Paul and Wanda for quite a long time already, since I joined the company. Wanda is a fine and pretty girl, but sometimes she talks too much. Paul, a good man. They go together.
Slowly, it is approach to New Year. Company decided to have a cocktail party on the New Years Eve. Wanda was the one organizing company events well, and Winnie always helps her a lot on these. Winnie, she never shows off. Paul, he always works on his stuff. It looked busier recently since company computers upgraded to the higher speed ones. High-tech companies, they always look at speed.
I looked at my watch when I was waiting for the bus. The subway is too crowded, rush hour, busy hour, and New Years time. The bus came, I stepped in. It was snowing outside, looked nice and clean. Maybe it is good to build a cute snowman in front of my door. The shopping centre was full of people. Shopping season, gifts were on the top list. I wanted to buy something for mom and dad. Walked here and there like a ghost, I finally found something for them. I am rather a pretty picky person on these kinds of things. While sitting on the bus, I still wanted to open the gift box, like I never bought gifts before.
My home still looks cold. Furniture of warm colours and dark reddish orange coloured paint on the wall look somehow cold. Heat was on, it made me feel warm. After turning on the stereo, and after the soft music started to play, I went into the kitchen. The fridge looked empty; there were some vegetables and meats there, and, eggs. There was some left over steamed rice in the rice cooker. Egg fried rice would be good. I started to peel the green onion, cut the sausage and scramble the eggs. The food was good. I turned off the light, took the gift I just bought, and went to my parents' home. It was the 30th.
Time was already eleven, I was still in my parents’ place, and then I decided to stay for the night. I talked to dad a lot the whole evening, and then I went back to my room. I thought some. The room looked still the same as before, time when I grew up. It was not easy for them too, I thought. How is she now? On the other side of the earth, it is half a day away. It is also the snowing season there. It snows quite some there too, I heard. Slowly, I rested into the sleep.
Snow was still on, when I woke up the next morning. I still felt tired and stayed in the bed. For quite a while, I couldn't feel a thing. Then I got up. It was very nice in the morning, and I decided to go out and run. Mom urged me not to run too hard. It wasn't snow too hard, rather. I had a good run in the area. Mom made a good rice soup, food I always like. After watched some fun shows on the TV, I started to feel better. Then we went out for lunch, mom, dad and me. We had steak. During the lunch, we did not talk very much.
I went back home in the late afternoon. The party starts at six. I changed my cloths, slowly. Shirt, tie, and a nice dark navy blue suit, and shoes. Party started already when I got there, no one was aware when I came in. There were champagne, wine and food on the table. They looked very good. Winnie saw me. I intentionally pretended I did not see her. People were talking around. Look who's here, Wanda said to Paul immediately after she saw me. Paul turned around, walked towards me with Wanda together. I joined them. It has been a long time I haven't felt that much relaxed. We had fun the whole New Years Eve. I still feel like a King like I used to be.
Needles on the clock right ticked to the twelve O'clock. The bell rings reminded me the coming of another new year. At that moment, I forgot about her. People started to dance around. We are still talking. Wanda, mind to dance, I said to her. She said yes, and then I grabbed her to the dance floor. Paul will be jealous, I knew. When the music stops, I went out for a fresh breath, Wanda went back with Paul and Wendy. It was good, I thought. Time to go back home, I took a look at my watch after I had a cigarette. It is not that late yet, nothing much to do tomorrow. I went back to the hall. Did Winnie see us? I figured. Winnie did, maybe, she was talking to Paul, Wanda and Wendy were listening. Let them to have fun together, I figured. Then I said good-bye to them, and to other colleagues, and then I left the party.
Home does not look messy, stereo was on, but no music were played. I sited on the sofa. Still thinking of Paul and Wanda, and Winnie. A little disappointing, I did not talk to Winnie tonight. Why not talking to her, I figured. Maybe she will not be the right one for me. She likes Paul too, anyway. It seemed Wanda is the happiest person tonight, so is Paul, I think. Winnie, one thing across my mind. What is she doing now?
I had known Winnie since I came into the company eight years ago. She works in another department, but we have had close working relation since the beginning. She is quiet and hard working. And, she is very clever. She kept a boy friend. I saw him in last company picnic. He is not bad a guy, a handsome. They broke up sometime ago. Some people in the company say he damped her and got married to a rich girl. She got quieter and works harder after that, and became more close to Wanda and girls in the company. She went out very often with her boy friend when she was still with him. Winnie is pretty, but not the beauty type, and, not tall enough. I think she is a better girl than Wanda.
I met Yuan when I was still in the university. She was from another university beside mine. She has a high school classmate in my class. She visited her often, that was how we met. She is a very beautiful girl, smart sometimes too. Like some other good girls, she graduated with distinction. After about five year relationship. We got married, regularly. Not too many people came to our wedding, relatives and some friends from high school and university, and Wanda and Paul. She was always a little disappointed about the wedding since more of my relative and friends were present, not hers. She was very good to my parents, so were my parents to her. In the past two years after our marriage, we had a very close relationship, sex too, but we did not want kids. We both looked at career, always wanted to be on the top of it. She worked in a company on east side of the town. Sometimes, I thought our relationship includes friendship too, not only a married couple.
Marriage is an interesting thing, Wanda sometimes say, you never know what you want. Maybe, for women... I know men; they always know what they want. Yuan was hard working; sometimes she got tired after long time work and came home late. Me, work hard too, but I didn't go home late very often, unless necessary. I like many things, music, movies, books, and thinking about many things. She liked these too. Most of the time, she always looked at me doing all these things, and she started to make beautiful flowers for the decoration in the house. Living room and bedroom were always decorated with these flowers. I realized, and I became so nice to her. We talked lots of things, never running out of topics. She is a good cook, always asking my mom this or that when we went back to my parents' place, and made good and delicious food. I loved her very much.
Last company cocktail party was two years ago. We went there. She especially bought a very good and expensive dress. I didn't think it was necessary, but she insisted. She wore the pearl necklace I brought her from Hong Kong as a birthday present. She looked beautiful that night. I always remember. Paul and Wanda liked her. It seemed everyone I knew liked her very much, especially my parents. She was like the pearl in my family.
Business was like usual, always like usual. I stayed in the company for quite a while already. Me, Paul, Winnie and Wanda built very good working relationship, and sometimes I think we were very good friends. As good as we could get, at least. Winnie became a manager after five years of hard work in the company. She deserved it. I always thought she deserved it. Paul was a little jealous, I knew, he stayed in the company the longest among most of my colleagues. Wanda never cared. I thought Paul deserved management as well. Just one year after Winnie's promotion, the company faced restructuring; Paul and me were prompted after careful consideration of company President and Board of Directors. Paul was thirty-four, and me, I just turned thirty that year.
Yuan prepared a very special dinner that evening. Colleagues asked Paul and me out for a party to congratulate us though, but I refused them for Yuan and me. We had a very good time. A couple of days later, Winnie sent me an email asking me to join with her to a dinner meeting with customers, I refused her too. Paul, Wanda went with her that time. Yuan and I went back to my parents' place and had a good time. Wanda called me the other day asking me to join with some colleagues to the pub. She intentionally told me that I have to come. I told Yuan about that, and then I went to the pub to join with my colleagues. It went well that night, everyone was very happy except Wanda and Paul. I wasn't, not very much. Yuan did not ask anything after I went back home, but she knew, I could tell.
Yuan stayed late at work more and more. I, sometimes just read books and watched TV for the time when she was not home. She still made flowers decorations at home, more than often. And we went back to my parents' place more than often too. Time goes by, it was our wedding anniversary, the first time. I brought champagne back home. She cooked a lot of good food we both liked. We were just fine together. Sometimes I brought flowers back to home, and she was always the one make them look so pretty in the vase. Colleagues did not ask me out very much. I usually stayed home with Yuan.
Another year went around just fine. Yuan's company went into some jeopardy. The economy did not go very well. Some companies were suing them for some reasons. These things happen often, especially in a difficult time. I worked harder, in turn; I became the one coming back home late often. She was not very happy, I knew. She worked hard too. We started to argue sometimes, about her company, her job, and her. One day evening, she came back late, after she saw I was making dinner, she took over the job with some guilt. The next day, I brought my lunch box to the work, happily.
Yuan's company was looking at go bankruptcy. She lost her job after many years working there. She started to look for a different job. The market was hard at that time. She was still busy around, looking for a job, reading books and magazines, and going back to her family. She got sad sometimes. It was noticeable. I always came back home after work, and she was always home, with books and TV, except when she went back to her parents’ home. Living room and bedroom were still decorated with flowers.
It took me a while to realize she has gone. After midnight when the soft music on the stereo was still playing, I sit on the sofa, while having a beer. The beer was good. I turned myself to the windows, beautiful stars and the moon. I felt a little sad. Dawn finally has passed; I woke up in the morning. The sad feeling was still with me. I made toast and coffee. As the same, I did some exercises, got dressed, and then went to work.
I went with Paul, Winnie and Wanda for milk tea at noon after lunch break. We talked a lot of things. Wanda talked a lot. I, Paul and Winnie listened to her; sometimes Paul and I made jokes. Winnie cared a lot, I knew. It was a good gathering. Time after work, I picked up a newspaper from the new stand. I flipped over the murder headline, then business, arts and entertainment. Well, I was getting happier, finally. I went home. For the first time, I forgot to turn on my stereo.
Night went fine. I did not realize I was thinking or imagining last night, time went fast. Still, I did exercises and cleaning, and I looked better in the mirror. Then I made my breakfast as usual. When I was eating my breakfast, I was aware of my bloomy feeling inside of me. Well, maybe I will give Winnie a call sometimes.
Sometimes I still think I haven't lost Yuan, maybe she thinks she hasn't lost me too. The reason she went to America is very simple, she was not satisfied, at least I thought. She wanted to study more, abroad. I was the one who did not want big changes like quitting my job and go studying in a different country. I stayed, seeing her flying away. I couldn't do something except watching.
After Yuan lost her job. She started to be moody, and we started to fight. One day, I went back to home early. She was not home. I called her mother, and she wasn’t in their place too. I made dinner myself, not very good, but not bad to eat them myself. She went back home at about ten. I asked where she has gone; she told me she played Mahjong in her aunt's place with her relatives. I argued with her and I asked why she did not tell me she gambles. She did not respond, and went to sleep. I was mad. It was the first time I got so mad at her. The next day, I did not bring lunch to the work, rather ate with Paul outside. One week later, she left me, went to America.
I worked harder at my work. Paul, Winnie and Wanda worked hard too. I started to receive emails from Wanda, then Winnie, asking me this or that. I did not reply them all; sometimes I just simply answer questions they asked. I like them, so is Paul. Did they ask these kinds of questions to Paul too, I wondered? Soon after our hard work, my company became one of the best in the sector. My director especially invited me, Winnie and Paul to a working dinner to celebrate what we have built and contributed. The director announced there is a big project on going in eastern US, and he needs two men to do the project. He is definitely looking at Paul, and me because he thought we were the best in the company. I could tell after the working dinner. Winnie came to Wanda the other day, and asked her out for pearl tea. I wonder why she did not ask me and Paul to go with them. Anyway, these two go out very often.
It was great that Paul and I have to go to US to do the work, Newark, New Jersey, the company headquarter. I intentionally called Yuan's mother. She did not have any news from her either, not even her phone number. Winnie and Wanda came to Paul's place. we were ready to go, they came to send us away. We went to the airport and Paul and I flied to US.
Before the airplane landed at Newark International airport, I was still in sleep. Paul woke me up. The airplane landed safely. We got off, then immigration, customer and luggage. Time has already past seven when we picked up the car the company rented for us, and then found the place. We finally got to the hotel. Our company have reserved us two rooms, rooms in a four star hotel. One American man escorted us, Brian, a young manager from the headquarter office. We settled. Then Brian brought us for dinner. During the dinner, he delivered an introduction. Dinner wasn't that bad. The introduction went long. We mostly listened to his talk, and rarely we asked questions. It went fine. So, we are engaged.
Two weeks passed by very fast. The project went very well. They all liked me, the headquarter people. I did not have Yuan's information. I tried more than often. I excessively used the Internet. But I still couldn't find her. But I knew she was fine here, I just knew. Somewhere in this place, she was just fine. Someday I will find Yuan since there are still Yuanfeng between us. We went back to Shanghai after we finished the project. Winnie and Wanda came to pick us up. That night, we went to a best Chinese restaurant in the town for dinner. There weren’t many Chinese restaurants there in Newark. Maybe some in New York City, I heard there are more Chinese people there. We went to a bar that night. Winnie, Wanda and I were very happy talking that night, Paul, he did not talk very much. We sang some Karaoke together. Winnie and Wanda both sang love songs again. I also sang some, but Paul didn't.
Winnie drove me back to home after she sent Paul and Wanda home. She stopped on the road in front of my apartment. Well, I could not see her face clear enough in the dark. It was about eleven and the sky was pretty clear with the street lights. I did not say anything. She did not either. I sighed, and opened the car door. After I got off the car, I turned to her and wanted to say something to her. Then I figured I did not want to say things, it turned out to be a good-bye.
I did not know what Winnie thinks. She might know by now I was very interested in her. I knew she was very interested in me. But I was married, and I was still missing Yuan, my wife. When I opened my door to my apartment, turned on the light and my stereo. As usual, the sound of the soft music reminded me of Yuan, and the flower she made in the living room and the bedroom. I still love her, I realized. I thought I am in love with Winnie already after I sited down on the sofa. Does Winnie love me, I wondered? I still can choose not knowing about it and still living in my life, my good job, and my wife. But she is gone, to America, somewhere living there. Will she come back, and when? I don't know.
I opened my email box the coming Monday after I arrived at work, and intentionally checked emails Winnie sent to me. In one email, she asked me about some questions that I did not even understand; maybe it was something fun colleague spread around. Another one is a question about conflicts she had with a colleague that I replied and helped her out. The last one is to ask me something that she did not understand relating to the work. I also helped her. After I checked out all these emails, I rested with thoughts. She liked me a lot starting from the beginning, I now understood. I liked her a lot too. I didn't know when it started; I started to miss her sometimes, maybe when I first saw her. Impression of her in my mind was very very strong. I wanted to call her. Then I picked up the phone, but I couldn't. What about Yuan? But she was not with me anymore, she was gone. I liked Winnie very much, that many years... maybe, I loved her. I still deserve a new life, a new story for me to write about. And... she might be the right one. I cried to myself. I decided to ask Winnie out for dinner Friday night after work. I called her cautiously with calm. She sounded very happy that I called. I asked her out, and she said yes.
I especially dressed very well Friday night, a nice and precious shirt and tie, “gold fish”, I remembered. I wouldn’t think the same way around me now, it was a mistake, and I thought and smiled. I did not wear suit because I found maybe it is better to be casual a little. After all, we have known each other for about nine years. It has been quite a long time, and now, now we are dating. I bought a dozen of roses at the flower store downstairs, and I took the subway, to go and meet her, my date, a very lovely girl.
I met Winnie at the downtown centre. Winnie dressed nice too, a kind of like usual, just, she wears a new blouse. She wore a pair of black pants, that I saw her wearing before at work. They made her look taller. I handed her over the roses with a kind smile, and she smiled too. She did not look surprised. Then we walked towards the restaurant I had reserved two seats with. I felt kind of exciting. It has been a long time I haven’t dated women. Two years after Yuan was gone. I didn’t know what Winnie felt. We just walked, silently, and it seemed she did not want to break the silence. The tacit feeling came through me. Noticeable enough, I peaked at her face when we were walking. She was still smiling while her left hand was playing with the roses, and, she looked so beautiful. I wanted to hold her right hand, and just want to be in this way, until forever, TianHuanDiLao, I thought. But I didn’t, I was not very brave in front of her. We just walked.
The date went very well. We talked quite some, from colleagues, work and then the family. I told her my story, story with Yuan and my family. She did not seem surprised. I guessed Wanda told her about the existence of Yuan. I knew Wanda would, she was that kind of woman. Winnie reacted calmer than I thought. She also told me some about her family, with some conservation. And she did mention her past boy friend when I asked her. I had a feeling that night she was sorry for her past experience with him, and she made me feel she liked me mainly because I said things when he damped her. I thought he was not doing the right thing. I realized I cared about her since the beginning, since I first saw her when the first day I started working in our company. We had very good conversation, and we both knew, at least I could feel, the future that we may go together, have a family... And now, it is the time. Our bondage is another kind of Yuanfeng, Yuanfeng that made us come together. TianHuanDiLao, I remembered. She looked so wonderful that night.
Another night went fine. I was still struggling between Yuan and Winnie. I met Winnie today at work. She looked kind of weird, kind of, what can I say,... kind of more like wanting to stay away from me. Maybe it is because of Yuan, I mentioned her too much in front of Winnie. Then she became cautious because of this. I still love Yuan. Yuan has become someone that could not be even forgotten in my mind, I took it for granted. Sometimes I thought it is sinful to just forget about her. She was just that kind of woman that deserves you to love her so much, and, fortunate enough, she loves you back the same way you love her. That is why I could not forget her existence, until now, now Winnie got into my life. My life has changed, I thought. Hold on to my life now with Winnie, divorce Yuan, something devilish has taken my mind. I can’t, I can’t, I cried. She is Yuan, she is supposed to be the one and only one of my love. “Two hearts, two hearts beat as one. Our life has just begun...” Lionel Richie’s "Endless love” came across my mind. I remembered when Yuan and I hold our hands together and stepped into the church, declared to God our love and our marriage. It was the Yuanfeng that held us together. But she has left me, and Winnie got into my life, a new Yuanfeng with Winnie can be expected. I cannot take it anymore. I cried to God,”Oh, God, I don’t know... please God, show me the way.” Then I fell quietly to sleep.
Two days later, Paul told me Winnie was ill and would stay home for one week. Wanda later on told me the reason why she was ill; it was because of Yuan. Wanda told me Winnie went to her place that night after she and I had the date and said good-bye to each other. And Winnie told her a lot of things, such as the feelings she had with me, and the matter between her and her once and only boy friend. Poor her! I thought. One love relation could have that much impact on her. What a pure girl. Obviously she expected from me too much, and my relation with Yuan was kind of like a mess. I did not think much and ran to her home.
She lives alone in a nice little cottage. I pressed hard on the doorbell and waited. For about thirty seconds, she opened the door. She looked tired, but she still brought me a cup of tea. She told me that she has got fever, and would stay home for a week. She asked me to help her some with her job when she stayed home, not very seriously. She did not say very much of things. It seemed that she got better after I came. I knew she was hurt by me, already, and I knew she was not a girl as strong as she looked.
I was a kind of disappointed when I left her home. She was not as strong as Yuan, fragile, but she was obviously a better woman than Yuan. She was that kind of woman who can sacrifice more for me. Thoughts took me. I started to have some compassion on her, in spite of only love. I am a typical Chinese man who have the compassion and love like many married men have for women. I decided to give up Yuan and go on my life with Winnie. I called her at night. She sounded much better. I said to her I wanna see a better, happier and brighter Winnie.
Winnie and I both knew it would be the end of it. Someday, we would get married, have kids, and have our own career. In a better way, we might have better career since we were hard working and well educated people. The Yuanfeng between us just could not be easily measured, not the simple nine-year working relationship developing to lovers. But rather it was the true love, respect and our expectations for each other. I fell in love, formally. Again. Yuanfeng between Yuan and me was over. Then I would write my “Endless love” with this girl, this woman, Winnie. May Yuanfeng between Winnie and me be tight enough holding our hands together, like forever when we spend our lives together.
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楼主
发表于 2012-2-18 01:12
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